


burn the city down (you'll burn yourself down too)

by Bekka911



Series: i loved you too much [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Bad Friend Clary Fray, Downworlder Dad Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Friend Alec Lightwood, Hurt Simon Lewis, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, good boyfriend jace wayland, kinda cute, kinda sad, magnus is such a dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-17 11:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20620451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bekka911/pseuds/Bekka911
Summary: Jace and Alec are out on an extended mission. Simon isn't coping by himself. Magnus has had plenty of practice being a dad to distressed Downworlders)





	burn the city down (you'll burn yourself down too)

**Author's Note:**

> Another long one, jeez.

Magnus’s eyes fluttered shut in annoyance as there was a series of short, sharp knocks on the front door. For God’s sake it was _4 o’clock in the morning_, and someone was making too much noise like an insensitive _jerk_. Magnus just wanted to lay there in peace next to his cat, who was in fact quite warm.

The series of knocks came again, quicker and less intense. For a moment, Magnus seriously considered staying in bed, but there was something niggling at him, something that whispered for him to get up and open the door.

Huffing to himself, he gently maneuvered himself away from Chairman Meow and rolled to the edge of the bed, magicking a pair of slippers into existence as he slowly rose to his feet. There was another knock. “Good god,” he grumbled, shuffling down the hallway, “I’m _coming_, just wait.” He yanked the door open irritably, glaring at Simon, who had his hand raised as if to knock again. “It is too early to be awake,” Magnus seethed. “What do you _want_?”

“Oh.” Simon stared at the agitated warlock, lowering his fist slowly. Magnus’s gaze snagged on the red, raw skin around Simon’s nails and the tear tracks on the young vampire’s face and the deadened look in his tired eyes. “I-uh-I’m sorry. I just...I had nowhere else to go and…”

“Oh my boy,” Magnus breathed, his anger dissolving in an instant. He reached for Simon, heartbroken when the vampire flinched away from the touch. “Okay, I won’t touch. Come inside, I’ll clean you up.”

Simon trembled violently as he slowly edged himself into Magnus’s apartment. His hands shook as he tried to pry his jacket off, and he hissed in frustration as he failed. Magnus watched, helpless, as Simon’s eyes filled with tears and his fangs snapped out and stabbed through his bottom lip. 

Simon abandoned his attempts to get his jacket off and instead looked over at Magnus, breathing heavily. “Can you fix me?” He asked brokenly, motioning to his body. 

Magnus frowned. “Fix you how, my darling?”

“I want you to take them away.” Simon’s voice wobbled as he bared his new sharp teeth. “I want you to take it all away and I want you to take my memories too. I want to go _home_.”

Magnus let out a long breath and reached to take Simon’s hands. This time, the vampire didn’t pull away. “Gorgeous boy, I can’t change that you’re a vampire. That’s beyond even my power.” It hurt him more than he expected to see the aggressive self-hatred bloom on Simon’s face, and the warlock fought the urge to voice his protest as Simon ripped his hands away and stormed towards the balcony.

“The sun can’t kill me,” Simon declared angrily, staring up at the starry sky. The tears still hadn’t faded, and his lower lip trembled. Magnus just wanted to hug him. “So you’re going to have to.”

“Simon no. I won’t kill you. Darling, come back inside and we can sort this out, hm? I can call Clary over.” Magnus wasn’t sure he was successful at keeping the desperation out of his voice, but something about Simon scared him right now There were other ways for a vampire to kill itself, and Magnus had protected and loved Raphael long enough to know exactly what they were. He just wasn’t sure if _Simon_ knew what they were.

Simon’s eyes flashed at the mention of the red-head. “Clary doesn’t care,” he said, voice thick with hurt. “I’m just a disgusting monster to her. Don’t you see? Nobody wants me around, and I can’t kill myself via sunlight anymore so I need you to do it _for_ me.”

Magnus didn’t know what to say. Alec had filled him in on the...strained relationship between Simon and Clary, but Magnus had struggled to really believe it was that bad. Looking at Simon now, Magnus could see that he’d been terribly, terribly wrong . But that wasn’t all it was - he could see that there was something else that was hurting Simon, something else buried far beneath the agony the Simon was finally letting him see.

“Sweeting,” he said carefully, gathering some magic in case Simon tried to run. “I really want you to come inside, okay? I won’t make you talk, but I just want to make sure everything’s okay.”

“_Nothing’s_ okay!” Simon exploded, throwing his hands up. “Don’t you see? I can’t stay here anymore! And if I can’t go home then I can’t go _anywhere_.” His voice broke on the last word, and something in Magnus broke too. “I want Jace.”

He held out his hands, palms up. “Please,” the warlock breathed. “Just come inside.”

Simon looked back out toward the horizon, as if he were searching for a sign of the rising sun. Only the stars glimmered back, and he sighed, taking a step toward Magnus. The warlock held his breath as Simon slowly reached out and latched onto one of his outstretched hands, gripping on tightly as if Magnus was the only thing keeping him upright. Maybe he was.

“I’m tired, Magnus,” Simon said quietly as he let Magnus lead him back inside. “I haven’t been sleeping well.”

Magnus didn’t have the heart to tell him that not sleeping didn’t make a vampire tired. It was not eating properly that drained their strength, not taking care of themselves like they were supposed to. “Well then you’ve come to the right place,” he said, trying to keep his voice bright. “I can help you sleep, sweetness. And then, when you wake up, we can sort this whole mess out, hm?”

Simon said nothing as Magnus led him over to the couch and sat them both down. With careful and slow maneuvering, Magnus had them both settled, Simon lying down with his head in the warlock’s lap. 

“Without Jace and Alec here, I’m not welcome at the Institute,” Simon said in a small voice, not meeting Magnus’s eyes. “The other shadowhunters hate me, and Clary won’t defend me. I don’t...I can’t stay there. Maybe if I wasn’t a vampire, if I was like them instead…”

Magnus brushed a hand through Simon’s brown curls. “No, my boy,” he said softly. “Changing _what_ you are won’t change _who_ you are. The other shadowhunters just can’t see past who they think you are. Not many of them call me anything other than _warlock_.”

Simon shifted, settling with a sigh. He _did_ look tired, Magnus noted, and it hurt because vampires weren’t really supposed to look tired. Vampires were supposed to be young and free-spirited. _Simon_ wasn’t supposed to look tired. Simon was supposed to look _happy_.

Magnus kept combing his fingers through Simon’s hair, chin sinking down to touch his chest as he frowned in thought. He couldn’t help but wish that Alexander was here to help him; he knew that Simon and Alec had formed an unlikely friendship. In his personal opinion, it was quite adorable. 

But Alec wasn’t here, and he wouldn’t be back for another week at least. He and Jace had been sent on a mission as _parabatai_. That had been nearly two weeks ago. If Simon was only coming to Magnus _now_, then who knew how long the vampire had been suffering in silence, bearing the looks and whispers on his own. 

“I want Jace.” Simon sounded close to tears, and Magnus’s heart strained. 

“He’ll be back soon,” Magnus tried to soothe him. It was a futile effort.

Simon tensed slightly under Magnus’s continued ministrations. “Usually, if Jace is gone, I have Alec. Now, don’t have either of them and it just sort of makes me think...I don’t think I should be here, Magnus. This was never my world. Even now, as a vampire, I don’t _fit_. And I won’t fit with Jace forever. And-And I just keep losing the people are close to me and I don’t think I can take anymore.”

Oh. _Oh_. Magnus felt stupid. Of course. Simon had never coped well with the transition to being a vampire, and had developed an unhealthy dependency on Alec and Jace to keep him stable. With both of them gone for so long, Simon was left on his own, with only his thoughts for company. 

Magnus knew how poisonous one’s mind could be.

“Sweetness,” he began slowly, using one hand to brush his knuckles down Simon’s cold cheek. “You have to understand that this world isn’t going to fit. You have the heart of a shadowhunter, dear one, but your body is a vampire and you will have to choose one eventually. Either way, you’re losing part of yourself and it’s going to hurt. It’s going to take a long, long time for that hurt to fade. Raphael was the same-” Simon stiffened further at the name “-but he got used to himself with time. You’re a young vampire. You aren’t supposed to have it all figured out straight away.”

Simon sounded miserable when he said, “I don’t want to be a vampire. Being a vampire has cost me everything. I’ve lost Clary, and I’ve lost my family, and I’ve lost the chance to really be accepted at the Institute.”

“But you’ve gained Alec and Jace and me. Surely that’s worth something?”

Simon’s silence gave Magnus his answer. He understood, he really did. Because no matter how good of a relationship you formed with somebody, it could never really replace what you’d lost. Magnus knew.

Magnus _knew_.

“Go to sleep,” he urged his vampire charge gently, resuming his task of messing with Simon’s hair. “I promise I won’t go anywhere, and when you wake up, I think I might take you somewhere far away for a little while. Would you like that?”

“Yeah,” Simon murmured, already relaxing into the gentle touch. “Yeah, I think I might.”

Soon enough, his body stilled and Magnus felt the breathing stop. Even in sleep, Simon was troubled. The vampire’s face was twisted in discomfort, and a heavy frown wrinkled the skin between his eyebrows. Magnus tried to soothe the panicked lines away with his thumb but it did nothing. Simon’s hurt was rooted too deeply to simply be smoothed away. 

He’d take them both away, Magnus resolved firmly. He would Portal them somewhere far away, where the sun burned brightly enough to burn away the shadows lingering in Simon’s body. They would leave everything behind - Alec and Jace and Clary and the Institute. They’d have time to just be who they were.

Magnus’s phone rang.

Cursing quietly, Magnus waved a hand and summoned the object to his hand. With a sharp tap, he answered the call and glanced down at the vampire in his lap. Simon didn’t stir, and Magnus let out a breath. “Hello?” He hadn’t checked the contact.

“Hey,” Alec said tiredly, and Magnus relaxed. “We’re on our way home. I know we were scheduled to be away for another week, but I guess I really wanted to see you.”

Magnus smiled softly. “And you’re not hurt?” He checked, because that had been his only thought before Simon had shown up. “Because if you are, I _will_ Portal to you.”

Alec breathed a soft laugh. “No, we’re both okay. Just missing home. And wanting a shower. And food. And a proper bed.” Jace shouted something unintelligible in the background, and Magnus heard Alec grunt before shouting something back. “Sorry, I think Jace is delirious from missing Simon too much.”

There was an indignant cry before Magnus was subjected to the sounds of a scuffle. He sat patiently, simply combing his fingers through Simon’s hair and running gentle fingers over his face. Staring down at his vampire charge, Magnus felt a sudden swell of protectiveness. As a warlock, he couldn’t have children so he’d taken to adopting stray Downworlders who’d had nobody else. For centuries, that had been how he’d fought the loneliness. Now, he was helping Simon through the same thing, and Magnus could feel his protective instincts flaring up.

“Oh _Magnus_,” Jace crooned mockingly, voice sudden and jarring. Magnus would rather die than admit he startled. “I miss you _so much_ and I think I might _die_ if I have to stay away from you too much longer. Oh Magnus, you are the light to my darkness-”

“_Jace_!” Alec hollered, and then Magnus had to sit through more fighting. He was seriously considering just hanging up when Alec’s voice rang through again, clear and steady. “Sorry, my _parabatai_ is a _child_.”

Magnus huffed. “Alexander,” he said patiently. “I know you want to see me, and I figure Jace must be missing his vampire body-pillow, but Simon and I may be gone when you get back.”

Alec’s voice sharpened as he slipped into Shadowhunter mode. “Where are you going? Has something happened? What’s wrong?”

“Calm down,” Magnus said soothingly. “We’re both okay. Simon just needs some...time away.”

“Time away from what?” Alec sounded almost-panicked now. “Hang on, I’ll put you on speakerphone so you can talk to the both of us.” 

There was a short pause before Jace’s voice rang through, clear and worried. “What’s happening? What’s wrong?”

Magnus chewed on his lip, wondering how to say what he needed to. It was clear he couldn’t _not_ say anything about Simon’s mental state, but if he said to much Jace would insist on confronting Simon immediately and that was the exact opposite of what Magnus wanted and what Simon needed. “Nothing’s wrong,” he said finally, slowly, and Jace let out a disbelieving snort. “Seriously. We’re not hurt, nobody is in trouble. Simon just needs some time away from the Institute and from Clary. I’m taking him on a small trip somewhere small and quiet for a few days, that’s all.”

“I know my boyfriend, warlock, and I know that he wouldn’t agree to something like that without a good reason.” Jace’s voice was short and sharp. “He wouldn’t leave the others like that, even if they don’t like him. What. Happened.”

“Jace,” Alec murmured. “Enough.”

“Nothing happened, _Shadowhunter_,” Magnus snapped back. “And you’d do well to watch your tongue. Simon is dear to me, as a ward, and I do not take well to the implication that I would willingly let something happen to him.”

Simon made a small noise of distress before turning over so that his face was pressed into Magnus’s stomach, clearly upset by the angry tones he was hearing. Magnus buried his fingers in the soft brown curls as a silent apology. He forgot that vampire hearing was sensitive, even in sleep. 

“Magnus, nobody's accusing you of anything,” Alec said softly, and the warlock puffed his cheeks out. “But please. You’re worrying both of us. Can you just tell us what’s wrong with Simon?”

Magnus was silent for a moment, considering the sleeping vampire. Simon would be upset if Magnus were to spill everything to both Alec and Jace, and yet Magnus couldn’t see anything else to do. “Could you come here before you return to the Institute?” He asked heavily, apologising to Simon in his head. “I promise we’re both not hurt, but Simon’s delicate at the moment, even if he tries to act like he isn’t. If you come in here with weapons drawn, I swear I will kick you both straight back out again.”

“We’ll be there in about fifteen minutes,” Alec said tightly, and then the phone beeped to signal the end of the call. 

Magnus set the phone down and gazed down at Simon as the vampire made another small sound and nosed further into Magnus’s stomach, chasing the familiar, comforting scent. Magnus chewed the inside of his cheek, feeling guilt war with relief in his chest. Getting Alec and Jace here was a dirty move, because it meant Simon couldn’t run and would have to face them both, but it was clear that he needed support that couldn’t be provided until he _asked_ for it.

Magnus had done what he had for Simon’s sake, but it still weighed heavily on his consciousness. 

Simon muttered something and let out something akin to a purr as Magnus’s fingers trailed down to his neck and danced across the skin affectionately. Magnus wondered how many people truly knew how tactile Simon was in his affection. He doubted it was many. Simon had this was of hiding what he really wanted, and Magnus knew that most of Simon’s Shadowhunter friends shied away from touching.

Something sour curled in his stomach. How many times had Simon craved the comforting touch of a friend? How many times had he swallowed down the need because he knew the others wouldn’t be comfortable? By the angel, he wasn’t even that publicly tactile with _Jace_, and Magnus knew that it was something they would have to fix. Simon was touch-starved, plain and simple, and perhaps that had contributed to his mental state now. Maybe Simon just needed proof that people adored him.

“Magnus?” Simon slurred, voice thick with sleep. He yawned against Magnus’s thigh, light bouncing off his fangs. “Whas happenin?”

Magnus affectionately brushed Simon’s hair away from his face as the vampire sat up. “Alec and Jace are on their way home,” he said simply.

Simon’s eyes widened and excitement chased away the lingering drowsiness. “I have to meet them at the Institute,” he told the warlock brightly, already clambering to his feet. “God, I’m finally gonna get to kiss my boyfriend.”

“Simon, there’s no need to leave,” Magnus said carefully. “They’re coming here first.”

Instantly, Simon’s face went blank. His eyes gleamed with panic and anger, and he bared his fangs threateningly even as he started backing away. “You told them, didn’t you?” He accused. “How could you?”

“I was worried,” Magnus said, standing up and holding his hands out. “Simon, I couldn’t just whisk you away without telling them. If they weren’t coming home so soon, it would have been different.”

“I shouldn’t have come to you.” Simon shook his head. “It was just a bad night. It didn’t mean anything. I should’ve known you’d blow it way out of proportion.”

Magnus narrowed his eyes, feeling them burn as he let the glamour that hid his cat eyes slide away. “Don’t think you can lie to me, dear boy?” he said lowly. “You believe that I’d believe such a blatant lie? You act as though I’ve not raised a vampire before. I know all the tricks.”

Simon seemed to stop retreating for a moment, and some of the tension in Magnus’s shoulders drained away. “Raphael?” The young vampire guessed, and flushed when Magnus raised an eyebrow. “He had to get his fashion sense from somewhere,” he muttered.

“Yes,” Magnus said, amusement clear in his voice. Simon refused to meet his eyes. “Raphael was my ward many years ago. He’d had trouble superheating himself from his family. He had a few...episodes, I suppose you could call them. There were civilian casualties. It was hard on both of us for a while, trying to live with that. Raphael spent nights outside, lingering on the balcony even as the sun was rising. It broke my heart.”

The embarrassed flush had faded from Simon’s cheeks, and now he just looked tense, resolutely looking away from Magnus. “I didn’t know,” Simon said softly. 

Magnus’s smile was bitter and sad. “Vampires are not as cold as they like to appear. They’re the Downworlder species with the highest suicide rates.” At Simon’s sharp look he elaborated. “At least werewolves can go out into sunlight and eat normal food.”

Simon shook his head and moved back a step, fangs bared in thought. Magnus watched his ward pace, and felt something sharp stab through his chest. Simon looked so young, so lost, so hopeless. There was so much self-loathing in Simon. It would take a very long time for it to fade. Magnus wasn’t even sure it would ever completely go away.

No, with someone like Simon, hurt like this would stain. Someone like Simon, who was used to being the background character, used to always coming second, used to never being allowed to have what _he_ wanted - Someone like Simon would never truly love and accept them self, because nobody had ever really accepted them first. 

Magnus knew that he had never really, _fully_ loved himself. Not with his past lovers, not with his oldest friends, not since the dawn of time. Not until Alec had loved him first. 

But Simon…

“What you’re feeling,” Magnus said quietly, tapping his own chest directly over his heart, “that hurt? It will never go away. And I can’t simply magic it away for you, Simon. I would do it in a heartbeat if I could, I swear it, but I _can’t_.”

Simon turned his head away, and his shoulders hunched in, as if his temper had deflated. “Yeah,” he muttered, and Magnus didn’t have to _look_ to know there were tears. “Yeah, I kind of figured I had no hope.”

Oh, how Magnus longed to touch him, to offer him some form of physical affection, some sort of _reassurance_, of _comfort_. Simon had been denied the simplest things in life, and Magnus really just wanted to take hi somewhere far away for a little while until Simon could learn that it was okay to just _ask_.

(It was the same with the stunt he pulled a few months prior, nearly dying because he thought that he had to earn Alec’s approval in drastic ways. He should’ve just _asked_. )

“Simon,” Magnus said gently, and Simon sort of...collapsed in on himself.

“I don’t want it!” the vampire cried, folding his arms around his stomach and falling against the wall. Tears dripped of his chin, and he turned his head away. “I don’t want it Magnus, take it away! _Please_.” His voice broke. “_Take it away_.”

It was what Magnus had been waiting for. Without hesitation, the warlock crossed the small amount of distance Simon had put between them and wrapped Simon in a tight hug. “You’ll be okay,” he whispered as they sank down to the ground, Simon sobbing without restraint. “You _will_. I swear it.”

Simon cried harder. Magnus held him tighter. There was a pause.

The front door burst in.

“Magnus!” Jace hollered, skidding to a halt in front of the duo and making a small, worried noise. “Simon?”

Magnus had a split second’s warning before Simon was ripping away from him and _running_. A quick tracking spell assured him that Simon was still in the loft, just...hiding. Magnus looked up at Jace, who looked like he’d been slapped in the face. 

“I warned you,” the warlock seethed lowly, getting to his feet. “I _told_ you he was delicate and fragile. I _told_ you not to come barging in here with weapons drawn. And what did you do?”

“Come in without weapons?” Jace didn’t bat an eyelid as Magnus drew himself up to his full height. “Don’t bother with the threats and intimidation. My boyfriend is currently my priority. Where is he?”

“Somewhere you won’t be,” Magnus answered. 

“I will _hurt_ you-”

“Jace!” It was Alec, red-faced and heaving angry breaths. They must have been running. The eldest Lightwood sibling glared at his _parabatai_. “First, I told you to calm down before you came in here, because we didn’t know what the situation was. Next time, _listen_ to me. Second, don’t ever threaten my boyfriend or I’ll have to explain to Simon why you’ve suddenly disappeared off the map.”

“You wouldn't kill me,” Jace scoffed.

Alec’s blue eyes gleamed dangerously. “Who said anything about killing you?”

Magnus clapped his hands. “Enough!” He pointed a finger at his boyfriend. “Gof find Simon. He’s in our bedroom, curled up in the corner next to the bed. Go slow, be quiet, don’t push. I’ll call for you in a moment. I need to have a word with Jace.”

With a sharp nod, Alec disappeared down the corridor, leaving Magnus with Jace, who didn’t look the least bit afraid. Magnus studied him for several heartbeats, before sighing and throwing himself down onto a chair. “Simon is very skilled at hiding what he wants,” Magnus said, fully aware that the vampire could probably hear them. There was no use in trying to be quiet. Besides, he wanted Simon to know that there were people who worried about him. “He’s lonely, and afraid of himself, and he’s self-destructive.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Jace’s voice was quiet, and tired, and sad. 

Magnus swallowed. “He asked me to kill him.” Jace’s sharp intake of breath was loud in the sudden silence of the loft. “He’s destroyed inside, Jace. I don’t know what to do with him. He’d lost without you and Alec. I was starting to get through to him before you barged in here. I was going to take him on a trip somewhere far away from here, but then you called and said you were on your way home.”

Jace said nothing for a good, long while. The shadowhunter’s face was ashen. “I thought he’d be okay,” He said finally. “He’s so good at not saying anything when he’s hurting and I-”

“He needs you,” Magnus said, and he didn’t miss the fear that flickered over Jace’s face. Tough act aside, Jace was still a boy who didn’t really have the first idea about what to with love. The intensity of what he had with Simon most definitely scared him, and though Magnus felt for him, he found that he couldn’t let Jace run away from his feelings. Not this time.

“I know this is something you’re not used to.” Magnus tried for a smile when Jace looked up at him. “But I find that I care for you both, and it hurts me to see you both so...unsure. Promise me that you’ll be gentle with him. You’ll _listen_ to him, even when he doesn’t say anything.”

Jace nodded, and Magnus called for Alec.

.

Alec wasn’t sure what to expect when he slowly pushed open the door to his own bedroom. Maybe he expected to hear something, Simon crying maybe. Maybe he expected...He really didn’t know what he expected, but it definitely wasn’t _this_.

Simon was trying to pull his fangs out.

“Simon!” Alec called, alarmed. Instantly, he was kneeling before his friend, reaching for the vampire’s wrists. “Simon, what are you doing?”

“I’m fixing myself.” Simon’s voice was grim, his face determined. Blood coated his fingers, made his grip slippery. Matched blood stains splattered his cheeks from his incessant crying, and Alec watched on in horror as Simon fell apart. “You don’t have to look if it makes you uncomfortable. I know that these make me disgusting.”

“Simon no.” Alec really had no idea what to do. He was getting better at being friends with Simon, but this was something else entirely. How had things gone wrong so quickly? Gingerly, the shadowhunter tugged at Simon’s wrists until Simon couldn’t reach his mouth anymore. Simon made a small noise of protest, and his eyes filled with tears. “Hey, it’s okay,” Alec breathed.

Simon’s face twisted. “I _hate_ crying,” he spat vehemently. “I _hate_ being like this. If I’m not a vampire anymore, people might stop seeing me as a _monster_!”

“You’re not a monster.” Instantly, Alec knew it was the wrong thing to say. 

Simon backed himself further into the corner, eyes blazing with fury. But even with his bloody fangs on show, Alec could see that Simon was scared. He was scared that he was alone, that he was something horrible. Simon was the predator, and he’d backed himself into a corner like prey.

Alec held out a hand. “Simon,” he said, voice steady. “Come back to us. Magnus says you haven’t been taking care of yourself.” Magnus had _not_, in fact, said that, but Alec could tell. It was the little things, like the way he could see Simon’s veins, or the way Simon’s eyes couldn’t really focus on anything.

“Go away,” Simon hissed lowly, digging his nails into his arm. “Go away, I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“If I leave now, will you come out and greet me with a smile? A lie about how you’re okay and I don’t need to worry?” Alec knew this game. Jace had played this game, once, when he’d been nothing more than a terrified child trying to act tough. “Simon, you need to _tell_ us these sorts of things.”

Simon shook his head, and buried his face in his arms. Alec gave him his time, and his space, and lowered himself to the floor properly, so his knees weren’t digging into the hard ground. When Simon looked back up again, his fangs were gone.

“I can’t be alone anymore.” His voice was gravelly, as if he’d been screaming. _Or crying_, Alec thought. “I mean...I’ve always had trouble being alone. When it was just me and Clary, before all of this, I would always have music or something playing. It was why my mum was okay with me spending so much time with Clary. I mean, also because I was in love with her at the time, but Clary made the thinking stop, you know? But now…”

“Clary isn’t the same friend anymore,” Alec finished. Simon looked away. “It’s okay that you’re not with her all the time anymore, Simon. You’ve both changed-”

“I became a vampire,” Simon said bitterly. “I betrayed my vampire clan _for her_. And she couldn’t take the fact that I went looking for happiness.”

“No, she couldn’t take the fact that you found happiness in Jace.”

It was a truth Alec had discerned long before he’d even been able to tolerate Simon’s presence. Clary couldn’t bring herself to let go of Jace completely. And now...Alec really wanted to find the redhead. He wasn’t sure what kind of violent act he would bestow upon her, but it would be _violent_. And satisfying.

“Alec.” Simon laid a red hand on Alec’s arm, and the shadowhunter softened instantly, blinking down at Simon as the vampire edged forward. “Look, I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to deal with big changes, alright? I don’t cope well with being alone with my thoughts, I don’t like change, and I have this bad habit of letting everyone else come first. I’m trying to be better but it’s _hard_.”

Alec gripped Simon’s hand back, surprisingly not bothered by the drying blood on his skin. All he knew was that Simon came first, now that he was Alec’s friend. “Simon,” he said gently, intensely. “You can _always_ come to me.”

“But you weren’t here.”

“And mobile phones suddenly don’t exist?”

Simon flushed, looking away. “Yeah, so maybe I’m also paranoid about bothering people who aren’t directly in front of me. You could’ve been in the middle of a fight, or sleeping, or tracking or something. I didn’t wanna interrupt.”

Alec very seriously considered slapping Simon. It wasn’t all the vampires fault, but Alec found that whenever he was worried about someone, it translated to physical action which usually tended to be some form of affectionate abuse. He and Jace hit each other all the time when they were worried. “You and I are going to have a very long chat,” he warned, offering Simon a hand up. “Now, Magnus is calling me so let’s go and save Jace, hm?”

Simon’s face twisted. “Is he mad?” It wasn’t fair, Alec thought. There shouldn’t be that level of fear in Simon’s voice, and he shouldn’t look so small. 

“No,” Alec said softly, and pulled Simon to his feet. “No, he’s worried. Just like I’m worried.” 

“But I’m okay.”

“I like to think I’m not an idiot, Simon.”

“Sorry.” 

Alec sighed and said nothing more as they walked back out to the main room.

Surprisingly, Jace was still in one piece when they entered, and his face brightened when he saw Simon follow Alec. Immediately, concern shadowed his eyes as he tracked the dried blood on Simon’s fingers. 

Simon shied away from his stare. “Hey Jace,” he said, voice small. Alec gave his _parabatai_ a warning look.

Jace took a breath, and then stepped forward and reached for Simon’s hands. “I wanna kiss my boyfriend,” he said lightly. “I’ve been trapped with Alec for an unbearable amount of time and I need vampire cuddles to make up for it.”

His tone of voice made it clear they were going to talk about it later, but for now, Simon was just content to be in his boyfriend’s arms.

“There’s a spare room for you both,” Magnus said. “Go clean up and then rest. Stay as long as you like.”

Simon looked at the warlock, who smiled warmly at him, and felt tears bubble up. This time, not from pain, but form love. Magnus had done so much for him in a matter of hours.

(And it was Magnus who set him up with a Downworlder therapist. Her name was Jess and Simon _adored_ her.)

But the time for thank yous would come later. Right now, Simon was tired. Magnus, Jace and Alec weren’t going anywhere. He’d be okay enough.


End file.
